Stillness in a Storm

That moment you stop and wonder what’s happened. How did I get here? Where are we going? What’s next? Could any of our past decisions have changed what we’re experiencing now? Are we being punished?

As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.  Psalm 18:30-31 NIV

Years ago, if you would have told me that marrying someone with children of his own was not going to be easy and bring as much hardship as it has, I honestly don’t know if my decision would have changed. You see I married my best friend. Nothing was going to change my mind. Here we are years down the road. We look at each other and see love but so much pain. We’ve grown weary. In a blended family, you fight battles. Battles you don’t ask for. Battles that require you to defend yourself and ones you had no choice but to begin. I can’t help but wonder, “will there ever be a victor in this war of who is right?”  Surely, there’s no victory to a family divided. Everyone is trying to love each other from different places. Parents are blindly fighting for what they say is the best interest of the kids while throwing thousands of dollars down the drain because they just can’t figure out how to co parent and agree. Being a blended family causes tension, there’s jealousy, and competition. The upside is having bonus siblings and of course lots of love and encouragement within a bigger family structure. There are times I feel like I’m begging to be liked by two kids that have an inner struggle of remaining loyal to their mom. I get it. I try to understand. Sometimes I fail. Our family has experienced many court dates, motions filed, petitions, financial burdens and strain on relationships. We’re up. We’re down. We’ve all suffered. Fight after fight. The range of emotions are real and strong. We’ve had seasons of resentment. The one thing that remains is my support for my husband. He will never hear no from me when it comes to fighting for his kids. There are inner struggles that go along with that statement. I want to support and guide him. Yet, there are times I find myself in complete defiance towards what God is telling me to do. My flesh says, be comfortable, we don’t deserve this, don’t agree to sharing time, I want him to myself and for my kids. That couldn’t be more of Satan’s grip on me in those moments. I don’t like to live there. That’s when I stop and pray.

My world this past year has not stopped spinning. Being a blended family in 2016 brought tears, arguements, court, more things to prove and less happiness. I found myself pleading with God to end it all, to give us our life back, to take away the pain. There were times I just couldn’t understand. We had walked in obedience. We were doing what He asked us to do. When it became too much we lost trust in Him. The temptation of self-preservation is strong.

SURRENDER… 

One day it hit me. I realized the storm I was in. I could only see what was right in front of me. I had somehow strayed from what I knew to be true. I allowed the agitation of the noise around me to fill my ears. The storm was inconvenient. Much like the snow storms I experienced growing up. As an adult, they aren’t fun. They are a nuisance. You feel helpless when you are stuck inside a heavy storm that obscures your vision. The only way to fully convey our situation was to describe it as a snow storm. If we were to take all the complaints and nonsense away, we would see beauty in the storm. God through His goodness revealed to me the weight of that realization. There comes a point when you just have to stop and be still. Surrender. Right there in the middle of the storm. Pray!! Pray for His will and peace about where this storm is leading you. We were not designed to take on the burden of control.

Thy will be done

This is my story and my storm. You may be walking through your own storm. Maybe it is an unexpected financial burden, maybe it is the loss of a child, maybe it is a custody battle, or a divorce. Let me be the voice that tells you, as you walk through this, you are not alone.  All of our situations may look different. One thing remains the same. Jesus. He is the answer. He is the one to turn to. He is for you and will meet you in the storm. He is the stillness in the storm. The only thing through it all that is constant and unwavering. Stop to see Him. He’s been here all along sweet friend.

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